desi's diary

04/08/2026

i love the indie web. first week of school just finished up, i'll summarize my classes. i remember when i first started creating my website. how was that almost two years ago? whattt hello

that's not real. anyways i frequent the nekoweb main page and websites who's site names i remember a ton. and it's like i'm visiting neighbors. i'm recognizing buttons- "ah that's the gatto nero one twewy mentioned", "hello rice.place!", "hi oversurge.nekoweb.org", "i see you altalenae", "hi mars", etc etc.

it's really fun looking at other people's button walls. and then sometimes, just sometimes, i see mine among the mass of others. the stupid mspaint pixel art i did really pisses me off sometimes because of the clock marks not being the right shape. but just seeing it gives me a heart attack. even after spending many hours updating my site and visiting others, it really hasn't sunken in that i'm actually here... on nekoweb dot org with a chud ahh 29.5mb site.

i really need to change up the layout. anyways, i'm scared that one day i'll forget that i had a site at all. nekoweb log in forgotten, all that remains is a shadow of me from a distant past. i can't imagine forgetting the indie web at all. so i hope that doesn't happen. this place is way too awesome.

there have been way more tornado warnings and severe thunderstorm alerts lately. i'm worried this is the price we pay for pushing the planet far past it's limits. in many places, the power is out. the increasing frequency is scaring me.

school wise i know the workload is going to be wild heavy...: my first class i don't even attend in person. this week i stayed at home twice because of that, and the other two times i was doing the classwork at the library. as a yapper, i'm quite sad that none of my friends are there around me. it's chill tho.

second class is APUSH. i really need a push (haha) to get my homework done because we were assigned 20 pages from the textbook to take notes on. I slogged through two of them today but my patience is already wearing thin for the notes i'll have to take for the rest of the chapter. at least i sit next to my friend N during this class.

third class: ap calc bc... where do i even have to start? math might be the bane of my existence- excluding chemistry. my teacher is quite funny, so i guess it might be okay. the homework doesn't seem too hard for now but i know by midterms i'm going to be rolling over in my grave crying. also the classroom is packed to the brim so it feels like a sardine can.

fourth class: spanish 3... the teacher is so energetic it's an improvement from my disaster of a class last year. i like the way the class is taught. there are barely 20 people in the class, so it feels nice, chill and empty. in this class, i sit next to my friends H and B. my vanilla cashmere hand cream exploded the other day in my bag so i gave both of them some.

fifth class: ap chem... the teacher is nice, but i've heard stories that this is the kind of 'self study' class because of the teacher. so i'm quite wary that the workload will be extremely tough this year. all i can do is keep on pushing it down and praying and studying and procrastinating that i get through.

it's been at least 3 years since i started playing persona 3 FES and i still have not finished it. i haven't touched the game in at least a year. i'm in like- january? february? of the game and i really need to finish it because every time i listen to persona music, i'm reminded of that. ughhhh i love the game but i don't want to part with it just yet.

"Prime Time Golden Hour Show" has me crine but i have mixed feelings about the style. I'm really curious about the rest of Persona 4 Revival I hope they bring back Signs of Love.

music recs for a wonderful day

Road Less Taken - ATLUS Sound Team

the way it goes - beabadoobee

Like A Dream Come True - ATLUS Sound Team

Riptide - Vance Joy

31/08/2026

ending of august / the bugs are just starting to die

the guy playing the ovalish guitar in noah kahan's npr tiny desk concert is so nonchalant. ok real talk starts now.

it felt so surreal going back to school. is this my new reality for the next countless months? honestly tweaking out... surprisingly, none of my classes were offered first hour, so i didn't really have one.

even more surprisingly, i didn't realise that i didn't have a first hour until 30 minutes into the day... it could have been a messy issue to fix, but it was resolved rather quickly.

unlike last year, my friends are actually in some of my classes so i'm quite sure i won't be as miserable. my math class is packed to the brim. i'm worried that it'll be really chaotic. the other classes look chill but i know my homework load is going to be wild this year.

it rained during rowing practice today. it was cold and miserable and i wasn't even rowing. the coaches put me in the coxswain position (even though i've only coxed once in my life, last year) probably because i'm slow. i totally get it though. i was quite a nervous wreck trying to steer a boat of 8 people. i'm glad that the upperclassmen in my boat helped me bc i almost crashed into the dock multiple times.

it's really hard keeping track of everything- multitasking. coxswains do not have an easy job at all. making calls, situational awareness, quick thinking, doing the best for your boat... lots of stuff. high pressure job. even then, some coxswains still have power trips or something. usually it's because they're not the ones actually going through the painful process of rowing. but it is also true that when you can basically order people around, it's a given to try and be bossy, i suppose.

ahh i never want to be a coxswain again... but guess who's going back in that cramped seat at the front of the boat tomorrow?? i'm too tall to be a coxswain. sitting in that hole in the boat is like getting my legs compacted. during practice, my whole right leg went numb and i couldn't feel it at all in the boat. i couldn't even command my foot to move.

my leg still feels strange. music recs below...

End of August - Noah Kahan

Orion - YOASOBI

Bluebird - Sunset Rollercoaster

The Great Divide - Noah Kahan

29/08/2026

I have a habit of telling half-truths. I don't know why. Even if it's not to my benefit (and to my detriment), I still choose to conceal pieces of information sometimes. Funny thing is, I'm not even good at it!

Today, I said "I'm going to the library to study." And I came back after 5 hours. What did I do in that time? Only two hour of studying. I spent 2 hours at a "reunion" in my friend's house (she has a massive board game collection- it spans multiple walls). The last hour... I cycled all the way to a boba shop and got mango flavoured drinks with A and C.

We went to the book store near by too. Support independent book stores!! It was so cozy inside and I saw the cutest fish patterned washi tape. I was prepared to pay like 3-4 dollars but it was actually $6 not including tax... My coin pouch is significantly lighter. AT LEAST IT'S SUPER CUTE!!!

And then I went home pretending like I did not just spend 3 hours not studying. I'm studying for USNCO by the way... I don't even know that much chemistry... If anyone has any tips please send them my way... I desperately want to put the whole textbook into my head but I can't...

I'm proud to announce that after 4+ hours of searching I have finally thrifted my homecoming dress into existence. My advice for anybody right now is to push yourself a little harder to step out of your comfort zone. Anyways I had to pay $4 in fees for the dress so... my coin purse is really light now.

So what's the WHOLE truth?? Well, I'm proud to announce that after 2 years of mystery a person I met on the way to the boba shop finally uncovered the origins of my cool skeletal knight t-shirt. I was trying to lock my bike into the rack when a guy holding a cup came up to me.

"Do you play DOTA?"

"Huh?"

"Do you... play DOTA..? That shirt..." *hand gesture*

"Uh no... I just have it. Cool shirt, right?"

That exchange felt a little awkward, but FINALLY! We have answers. After a quick google search, this guy is the Chaos Knight from DOTA 2. Success!

Today's song recs...

check out bonyou.nekoweb.org for a rec

the way things go - beabadoobee

relatively still life - a picture of her

Rain and Cappuccino - Yorushika

Riptide - Vance Joy

Blues in the Velvet Room - ATLUS Sound Team

24/08/2026

i'm convinced that the best liminal space is an infinite bus ride. or car ride. and don't forget the unlimited wifi and power.

i went to marching (band) camp for a week and it was a lot of fun when we weren't marching. which was like 40% of the time. talking to freshies is lowk jarring like... i was there in that position...! now i'm not...!!

it's so strange, to see people in a state of mind i was in before. almost surreal. the good thing is that the horn section doubled! yay! i thought i would be the only functioning horn player in my grade but this is worthy of celebration.

what if i give up french horn? i'm starting to entertain this idea in my head. i'm honestly so confused as to why i can't play high. it can't just be a mental block. i swear even people with less horn experience can play higher. i just can't reach those high partials and i haven't been able to. it's 90% probably just a skill issue though... what if i played euphonium instead :eyes:

every time i leave my house to go to an overnight camp/activity i feel happier there than back at home. i think that's interesting to note. it ties in with "oh i really want to escape from doing hard things" kind of mentality, doesn't it? lowkey feels like the urge to escape reality is it wrong to like having fun? i feel like i'm not nearly working hard enough to achieve the results i desire so badly.

anyways i took a doomscroll break and then i came across a reel that said: "I noticed that I usually doomscroll when I feel hopeless/want to live vicariously through someone else's successes" and i paused right there. isn't that what's happening now? hold on.

for future reference: if i ever think about myself too much i should write a letter to someone else to ground me.

back on track. at band camp the cafeteria is always packed with people during meal times. sometimes, you wait for a good 15-20 minutes to get your food. unless, you take the morally grey option of "what's up... we're friends right?" dap and slide right in line. for the record, i used to be against cutting lines, but now i am a cutter... this is a repeated pattern of me doing/becoming things that i used to hate that i should probably write out in another piece.

after finally getting my food of dubious quality that is still better than school cafeteria food, i set my plate down and beeline straight for the drinks machine. for the past week, (and also the week last year at band camp) i have only gotten one drink from the machine. it's a pump of lemonade + raspberry ice tea + unsweetened ice tea + pink lemonade + water.

this concoction is a muted red- sometimes pink. does it taste good? not really. it tastes like sweet water. do i still drink it with every meal, breakfast, lunch, and dinner? yes.

anyways now that it's over i can't help but feel sad and empty on the inside. highkey need to get a grip on life bc i can't bring myself to do anything

Bonfire - Childish Gambino

INSOMNIA - Eve

The Color Violet - Tory Lanez

Meet Me Halfway - Black Eyed Peas

Karma Police - Radiohead

Kokomo, IN - Japanese Breakfast

various dates

Some mild body horror in first dream, death in third dream

saturday the 13th of january

in my dream i was on the beach, walking towards the waves. my older sister dipped her legs into the water first, and i followed, stepping deeper and deeper as the water rose against my legs.

i woke up in my bed, pulling the quilt off my body to discover large, slowly moving bumps moving up across the skin of my legs. just then, i was transported. a doctor's gloved hand gently pinched a bulging bump of skin on a patient's arm that wasn't mine. "now, make sure it doesn't move." the doctor said, slowly pinching the area harder. something squirmed underneath the skin. with an unceremonious squelch, a writhing worm was forced out of the skin. pale and flesh colored, there was nothing it could do except slide off the patient's forearm and fall to the floor as blood oozed from the new wound.

i knew what i had to do. with each passing second, the bumps moved further up, closer to my heart. i leaned forward. with each new stream of blood dripping and splattering onto the mattress, i isolated each bump between my forefinger and thumb. each time, a writhing, flesh colored worm came out. some were short and fat, others just longer than my pinky finger and as thin as a noodle. the great mass of blood-sucking worms escaped hastily, leaving nothing but trails of blood in their wake.

when i woke up for real in the morning i was checking my legs and bed to see if there were worms lol

sixth of october, 25

I met this guy sitting at the desk next to mine in a class I was not familiar with. The cold, harsh lights made the room desolate. His sullen face was only exaggerated by the lights, highlighting his downcast disposition and dark bags under his eyes. "Sometimes I want to disappear," he said , "I could do so much but I wouldn't want my family to worry. Maybe I could go missing in the forest one day. Find a really good hiding spot. And I'll never be found again." I was appalled, but he didn't seem too serious about it.

The next day, I sat in my chair and was greeted by a wide smile stretching across his face. It almost felt unnatural, seeing how it differed from the day before. "How do you do?" he asked.

"I'm doing alright, lowk tweaking out bc of school tho." I responded. He sighed and replied with a knowing look: "Yeah, I definitely get that. Well, it's time to lock in now." He still looked tired. The same bags under his tired eyes. The same cold, empty room.

unknown date, fall of 25

I was sitting in a classroom and the professor at the front was lecturing. on the table was a plastic cup filled with a purple, viscous liquid. I knew it to be poison. "Now, will everyone take a sip from their cups?" The teacher instructed, and I took a sip of the cold, purple liquid that had no flavor. I closed my eyes, the viscous stuff slid down my throat. I could hear my heartbeat picking up, thudding in my chest. "And to all those that don't want to die, and haven't taken a sip from their cups, please take a small sip," The professor requested. At this moment I regretted drinking so much from the cup, though it was only a sip.

thanks for reading lol much love

17/08/2026

If you're reading this, then you should go use something that you have been saving for a "special occasion". Today, I went to the basement and saw a 24 pack of scented and multicolored gel pens that I treasured as a child. I saved those pens for birthday cards, and I never took them out otherwise. Looking back on it, I should have used those pens more, because now I feel sort of indifferent towards it. It's a shame to see those pretty gel pens go to waste.

Whether it's a piece of clothing, jewelry, or perfume; or a sticker, fancy fountain pen, ink, or notebook, you should use it TODAY or RIGHT NOW. If you end up regretting it you can blame me.

Everything is going back to the way it was. I got my photo taken for my ID and it looked even worse than before. I can take that loss (lie). I saw some people I haven't seen in 3 months. Got my schedule for the year. Picked up my textbooks.

Whatever life I escaped 3 months ago is coming right back for round 2. I don't think I can do this for another year. Much less 2 more. It's going to be fine though, right? I'll be fine, right? Anyways my older sister treated me to some baklava from a local cafe. $6 for a few pieces. It was so yummy. Pure satisfaction wrapped in honey. Nearby was the library. I read Piranesi for a little while.

I recommend reading Piranesi even though I am only halfway through the book. I'm very invested in it, as you can see. It's very interesting. I like the prose the best, as well as Piranesi's character.

Walking through the hallways only brought back traumatic memories. Vast and lined with lockers, soon they will be filled with students. And it will smell like a shitshow. It's finally setting in to me that I will be in this place for another 200 or so days until summer comes again. Summer, when I can once again pursue interests like chemistry, reading, and sunbathing. I look forward to it.

A Night to Remember - Laufey

oh yeah? - Steve Lacy

Touhiko - Eve

16/08/2026

making new webpages is fun but tell me why one shrine took me like 10 hours. anyways i didn't even want to make that one first but i did anyways. its way more graphics heavy and i should have put lazy loading but it's like 2 am and i can't handle anything else. hopefully yorushika shrine next but i have 0 idea on what to do for that.

ohh my lord that shrines page took forever because i was trying to get a working script for the page turning. it's not even my script btw it's from Coding Star on youtube.

anyways we have a lot of shrines now. two to be exact. i've done more html css js this past week than in my entire life. i think this is it for me... blegh.

12/08/2026

Warning: downer post below. it's kind of stressful.

ooo a sandwich

Somewhere in my head, I just want to give up. In life, in trying. This kind of stuff should have already been prevented after reading so many articles about whimsy, the joy of living, of working hard, and of finding success after failure.

But I still feel this way, deep down. I wonder if anyone has noticed it yet. When someone asks me, "What is your goal?" "Where will you go?" "What are you going to achieve this year?" "What did you achieve today?" I don't have an answer. My throat dries up and the words fly away, because those words never existed in the first place. Whatever ends up coming out of my mouth is weak, shaky, and unsure. Something made up in the moment just to escape furthur questioning.

It feels like there's some sort of mental warfare that I can't win. I know the consequences of giving up. I don't find joy in a boring life. I don't want to go day-by-day on meager scraps of whatever I can get. Even so, I don't want to work for that challenging, fulfilling life. I find myself giving up. There is a wanting to settle for less, to accept that I may never do anything, be anything remarkable at all.

I think I was always this kind of person. When I was younger, I would microwave my food for a minute, sometimes a minute thirty and call it a day. It didn't seem so bad, settling for something half lukewarm instead of a piping hot meal. At least I didn't have to wait for it to cool. It was already cold. It's easier that way.

Somewhere deep down, I don't even want to try. I don't think I'll ever tell anyone that, though. Why do I have to research for scholarships? Why do I have to plan my future? I know the answer. I know why. But the 'me' still echoes: "settle for less. watch youtube. do something other than studying and working out. other than building a future for yourself. Because it's easier that way."

People talk about delayed gratification. Working for the reward. "No pain no gain", right? I know, I know. I think I know. "Trying now will give me an easier future." I know. But sitting here at my desk surrounded by textbooks and stationery, listening to some minecraft music for studying on my computer, I can't help but want to drop everything. I want nothing.

Fortunately or unfortunately, that is not a choice. The problem must be that I do not have goals. It must be that I cannot see myself 5 years in the future. People achieve things because they have goals to achieve. I have measly wisps of dreams floating away as we speak. Otherwise known as: No Direction in Life.

Maybe the whole problem is personality. Other people out there are trying so hard. Building bridges, building towers to their sky-high goals. Outgoing, cunning, opportunistic, hard working. Writing essay after essay, research paper after research paper. Winning award after award. Yet I still sit here. There is nothing for me to show.

I've done nothing all day. Maybe I should eat. I must eat, or else I won't have energy to erg after this. It's not like I've done that well either. Maybe I just want to be a basement dweller. Living off of tap water and doritos. Even then I have a far away dream of living in a bustling city and going partying on friday nights after a day at work. Of course, this is not a be-all-end-all. Nothing is ever black or white. But I still can't help but think this way.

Time is running out. Did it already run out? Who knows.

oh yeah? - Steve Lacy
Spring Thief - Yorushika
Blondie - Current Joys
doom - Steve Lacy
show me you - Steve Lacy
Roommates - Malcom Todd

// DIARY